advice

[kip_w]

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from Mister Noel Coward:

Regarding yours, dear Mrs. Worthington,
Of Wednesday the 23rd,
Although your baby
May be,
Keen on a stage career,
How can I make it clear,
That this in not a good idea.
For her to hope,
Dear Mrs. Worthington,
Is on the face of it absurd,
Her personality
Is not in reality
Inviting enough,
Exciting enough
For this particular sphere.

Refrain 1

Don't put your daughter on the stage, Mrs. Worthington,
Don't put your daughter on the stage,
The profession is overcrowded
And the struggle's pretty tough
And admitting the fact
She's burning to act,
That isn't quite enough.
She has nice hands, to give the wretched girl her due,
But don't you think her bust is too
Developed for her age?
I repeat
Mrs. Worthington,
Sweet
Mrs. Worthington,
Don't put your daughter on the stage.

Refrain 2

Don't put your daughter on the stage, Mrs. Worthington,
Don't put your daughter on the stage,
She's a bit of an ugly duckling
You must honestly confess,
And the width of her seat
Would surely defeat
Her chances of success,
It's a loud voice, and though it's not exactly flat,
She'll need a little more than that
To earn a living wage.
On my knees,
Mrs. Worthington,
Please
Mrs. Worthington,
Don't put your daughter on the stage.

Refrain 3

Don't put your daughter on the stage, Mrs. Worthington,
Don't put your daughter on the stage,
Though they said at the school of acting
She was lovely as Peer Gynt,
I'm afraid on the whole
An ingénue role
Would emphasize her squint,
She's a big girl, and though her teeth are fairly good
She's not the type I ever would
Be eager to engage,
No more buts,
Mrs. Worthington,
Nuts,
Mrs. Worthington,
Don't put your daughter on the stage.

Refrain 4

Don't put your daughter on the stage, Mrs. Worthington,
Don't put your daughter on the stage,
One look at her bandy legs should prove
She hasn't got a chance,
In addition to which
The son of a bitch
Can neither sing nor dance,
She's a vile girl and uglier than mortal sin,
One look at her has put me in
A tearing bloody rage,
That sufficed
Mrs. Worthington,
CHRIST!
Mrs. Worthington,
Don't put your daughter on the stage.

note: Mr. Coward's work is doubtless still under copyright, though I am just now unable to determine who owns it. I hope these lyrics will encourage all three of you to run out and buy lots and lots of his records.
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